Other Plans

What does he dream in his sweet baby dreams? Is it his daddy? Does his slow, rhythmic breath mean he is happy? Does the meaning of time resonate in his mind? Can he feel how loved he truly is?
I told someone the other day that I feel like my pregnancy was such a long time ago. It’s true, what they tell you after you give birth…you do forget. You forget what it’s like to have another person growing inside of you. You forget all the sick, tired days. You forget the waddle and struggle of it all.
This morning, he woke in his crib and yelled out “Momma!” Just hearing that tiny voice makes me quiver. I went in to find a smiley, happy, boy. One day, I will drop him off at elementary school. I will take pictures at his prom. I will watch him leave for college. There will be conversations he will have to have with his dad. His grandpa will have to teach him how to fish and hunt. His dad will show him how to rope and ride. Although these are things I can not teach him, I hope some of what he learns comes from me. I pray he is a man of God. I hope he has an honest and true heart. I hope he has a strong work ethic and that he is a loyal and a good man one day.
When we found out that our baby was a boy, I felt a little afraid. I never had a brother. I was not close with any males my age growing up. I felt like I was stepping into a world of the unknown. I dreamed about having a little girl to dress, teach things to and share womanly things with when she was older. It never dawned on me that God might have other plans.
Here we are, 16 months later, and I can’t imagine life any other way. I’m still leery about what the path has ahead for me as a mother of a boy, but I feel blessed everyday that he is mine.
There is no doubt that he reminds me of his daddy. He might have my eyes and my skin tone, but he has his daddy’s smile and charm. And, just like his daddy, he has my whole heart!

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Interrupted

My poor baby is not feeling well. The pollen has been been working on him all week. Now, his nose won’t stop running and he has a nasty cough. We had the privilege of spending the weekend with daddy. When we got up this morning, I had all intentions of going to church. I love how church makes me feel. It grounds me. It makes me feel alive. It gives me hope.
As I was getting dressed, Cooper was sitting in his pack and play. He was coughing and he was crying. As much as I wanted to go, I found myself slowly changing out of my dress clothes and picking him up. A few minutes of laying back in the bed, he was out.
It is truly amazing how you can have one plan for your day or even for your life and one small little thing, like a runny nose or a chance meeting can change your life completely. I feel the same way about God and this journey I am on with him. I had a plan before but, things have changed. Whatever path I was walking before has been interrupted. I am happy about this fact. I want God to use me in whatever way he sees necessary. I’m not claiming to do everything right. I’m not claiming that I am not a sinner. I just know that I love my son. I want what is best for him. I want to be the best mother and the best example that I can be for him. I missed church today because my baby isn’t feeling good. But, as I lay here, watching my sick baby sleep, The Lord is in my heart and on my mind.

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Coffee Twice a Day

I can still see the sway of the moss hanging from the cypress trees when I close my eyes. I can feel the warmth of the sun as it rises over the marsh in the backyard. The mix of morning light would spill into the windows and down to the floor. But, my senses are reminded of so many childhood memories as I hear mom down in the kitchen clanking dishes and talking to the dog. I smile a little as I look over at Cooper sleeping next to me. I know he will never remember this trip, he is much too young. I am just thankful we got to experience it.
Shortly after I moved to Texas, mom and Bill moved to Florida where they had bought a retirement home. The house they bought looked haunted. My mom has a gift. She can look at something and visualize exactly what she wants it to be. They turned that ghost house into an amazing work of art. It is literally the most beautiful place I have ever stayed. I love seeing mom there. She is in her element and she is where she truly belongs.
Before lunch, we would take Moe, the Bullmastiff, for a walk. We would walk down the historic brick streets of the old town. Sometimes we would walk around the lake. We ate at a Polish restaurant, shopped at farmer’s markets and drank coffee at least twice a day. I swear, I have never had coffee that tasted so good. I am convinced it was so warming and delicious because of who I was sharing it with.
I will cling to these moments for the rest of my life. Especially of the day we took Cooper to the beach. Yes, the water was freezing and yes it was a little windy, but my mother has never looked more beautiful than she did that day, holding my baby. It was like the twenty something years of my life had never passed and there she was, walking the beach while she held me. I could see it. I could touch it. I will hold that picture in my heart.

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