Scottish Dreams

About a month ago, I stumbled upon a girl I went to college with on Instagram. A fellow journalism major, I was delighted to find that she too had a blog! Since I was on maternity leave, I took the opportunity to catch up on her blog and the awesome things she has done in life since graduating. After graduating, from what I can tell, she has stayed in the journalism field. This makes me smile. I know all too well how hard it can be to “stick it out.” Before and even after I moved to Texas, I have had a hard time getting jobs in this field. I can appreciate the heart it takes to have a passion. Not only that, but to have the drive it takes to never give up on that passion.
Anyway, some examples of the awesome things this chick has done include, but are not limited to: moving from Ohio to Chicago, participating in marathons, making a bucket list and working to cross things off of it, owning a cute blue record player, sharing an apartment with a roommate, riding a bicycle to neighborhood coffee shops, living through and (as far as I can tell) rising above a broken heart, participating in live literature readings (in front of strangers, chhhaa!) and last but not least…planning an amazing trip to a city where she has never been. My favorite part about the trip? She is going alone. ALONE. To some people, this may sound weird. To me, this sounds like the greatest, bravest, and possibly most rewarding idea to date. I have to admit, I’m pretty jealous. She openly admits that she is going to sit in unfamiliar coffee shops and write. She will ride a bicycle around and visit places she has carefully (or not carefully) chosen to see. She will talk with strangers. She will wear boots. I can not wait to see what she writes about the trip.
I feel a great hope that I will one day take a similar journey. Where will I go? Scotland, I hope. My step sister recently started college there. My mother and stepfather just got back from escorting her across the pond. I am currently engulfed in a book series based in The Highlands and my mother’s side of the family hails from the beautiful country. I want nothing more than to visit this mystical place in person. I could listen to my mother talk for hours about all the amazing things she saw and heard. I long to be submerged in the culture and learn what life is like there. It’s almost a romantic notion I have to sit inside The Elephant House coffee shop in Edinburg on a gloomy, rain-drizzled day. I think about being wrapped in a cozy, heather grey, sweater knit shaw. I dream about people watching while hearing only sounds of coffee and tea cups clanking while they are returned back to their rightful saucers. I can close my eyes and hear noises of laughter, and low tones of a language with which I am unfamiliar. All the while, I tap away at the keys on my laptop. What am I writing? Probably bits and pieces of conversation I can pick up from a nearby table. I love to hear the exchange of familiarities between friends. I try to repeat lines of a deep conversation that is going on close to me over and over in my head. It’s amazing what people sound like when they are in a comfort zone. When they think the only person who is interested in what they are saying is the person with whom they are conversing, the lingering ear of a stranger goes undetected. These are things I dream about. Of course, with two young children and other financial obligations, this rewarding writing holiday with have to wait. But, heed my warning. This is my notice. I will find myself in that dark, Scottish coffee shop writing for hours upon hours. It has officially been added to MY bucket list. Thank you Meryl, for the inspiration!

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Satchel Full of Crack

Something is brewing inside of me. My feet hit the floor this morning and my mind won’t stop racing. No, I do not do drugs. I also have sworn off caffeine. Which is strange, because I would compare my feelings at this moment to that which I would believe a caffeine high would feel like after three years of not having any.
I have this pressing feeling that I must DO something. My synapses are firing at what feels like lightening speed. I feel like a giant grizzly bear who just woke up from 29 years of hibernation. What the heck happened to me? Did a fairy drift in my window last night and scatter some magic crack dust over my head? Did I dream about something that made my subconscious jump up instead of just leisurely stretching it’s fictitious legs? I have no idea. It’s like something clicked inside of me. Like a dormant disease just suddenly reared it’s ugly head from within me and is now claiming stake to this body that once belonged to me.
All I know is that I went to bed in the same fashion I have every night for however long I can remember. I have no particular memory of changing into a raving lunatic in my sleep…yet, this morning, I am one.
My mind is all over the place. I feel excited and ready. I feel a little awkward and confused. I’m hoping that this all pans out to be something positive. Today is the day I grab the bull by the (insert whatever body part is most suitable) and go with it. If it takes me for a hair raising eight second ride, I’m in. If it walks slowly and nudges me forward, I’m okay with that too. In whatever form or fashion, I am not the person I was when I went to bed last night. From this moment forward, I am the person I want to be. I dare someone to tell me something is impossible today. My creativity is at an all time high. I feel the buzzing pulsing through my veins like the constant hum of a power line.
I’m doing my ceremonial tribal dance inside. The drums are the sound of my heart. Watch out Monday. Watch out thirty. Watch out elusive fairy with your magical satchel of crack dust. I’m on a rampage today.

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Economics and the Heart

Next month marks the fifth year I have lived in Texas. I never regret my choice to follow the man that I love to this great state. I love everything about the south. I love the weather. I love the friendliness of people, even the ones who are complete strangers. I love how people down here talk slower. I love how Sunday is the day of The Lord…no exceptions. Friday night means high school football and Saturday means college football. I love that family comes first, NO MATTER WHAT. I love that cowboy boots go with anything. I love that you can find a heart warming, home cooked meal at the diner down the road. I love that there is never an awkward silence anytime you have a conversation. Oh…and everyone, men included, love to see and talk to the babies you have in tow. No ma’am and yes sir are the first things your child learns to say. I can honestly say that this is, without a doubt, the most amazing place in the world. Five years ago, a man from Texas stole my heart. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with this great state. I am proud to call it home.
Now, with all that being said, I do miss my family in Ohio. It hurts my heart that I can’t drive over to see my sister and my niece anytime that I want. It pains my heart that my dad only gets to see his grandsons two or three times a year. It worries me that my grandmother will be 85 in two months. Every time I talk to her on the phone, I hear in her voice how badly she wants to see my kids. I have all these emotions fighting me on the inside. It makes my heart pang.
I have made my fair amount of trips to Ohio the last four and a half years. I just find myself thinking of the holidays as they approach. I love my family here in Texas. They have always made me feel 110% welcome. We have amazing family gatherings here and I am thankful for all the loving family I gained through marriage. Now that we have kids, it’s hard to want to be anywhere but our own home for Christmas. I still find myself dreaming of Ohio. There is nothing like Ohio in the fall. The crisp, cool weather that comes with September and October is one tall tell sign that football season has arrived. It means fall festivals. It means piles of leaves lining the sides of the streets. It means hot coffee or hot apple cider. Fall holds a very sentimental place in my heart. I find myself feeling nostalgic about all things fall. I have fond memories of Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmother’s or my dad’s brother’s house. I miss all the warmth and genuine happiness that comes from wrapping my arms around my dad’s sister or my awesome cousins. I miss sitting with my grandmother and sipping coffee on a Saturday morning. I miss the cackle of a laugh that belongs to my mother’s youngest sister. I miss all the same jokes and jabs I have been hearing for some twenty odd years. I miss the unmistakable smell of my sister’s hair or is it her body lotion? It’s a sweet smell. Not overwhelming, but just noticeable enough that when I hug her, my nose tingles for a few short seconds with the invasion of the long lost scent.
As I lay here writing these things, I feel an empty pit in my stomach. My grandmother has sold her house. It’s strange to think that we will never share a family Thanksgiving while sitting at her large red cherry dining room table again. I won’t drive back to her house and pass two of the houses I lived in while growing up just up the street. With her moving, I would really have no reason to go back to that neighborhood again.
These are all the thoughts that run through my head at any given moment when I think of Ohio.
I know it’s not economical to travel back there as often as I would like. I know that in my head. I also know that I made the choice to move away. I just have a hard time explaining the economics to my heart, especially this time of the year. So, if you see my eyes get glazed over at the mention of Thanksgiving, or if you hear me talk about Ohio a little more during the fall months, I hope you can understand where I am coming from. Although I do miss the fall weather, it’s not Ohio I miss. It’s my family that still lives there.

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Two Tiny Humans

Today is my last day of maternity leave. Tomorrow I will rejoin the workforce. Life will inevitability speed up. My kids will get older with each passing day. Eight of those hours, I will miss out on seeing them grow.
I don’t know why I let the guilt get me. It does, it eats me alive.
For reasons that I can not explain, while I was locked up in my bedroom yesterday feeding babe #2 (my 14-year-old stepson was in the house, thought I would spare him the breast feeding show) I started watching an episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne. Now, I watch these shows purely to make myself feel better about myself. I think it’s extremely sad how most of these women portrayed in these shows have million dollar homes, fancy cars, celebrity status, rich husbands, and above average children, but they are made to seem like they are idiots. I guess the point that I take away from these shows is this; even if you have everything you could ever want in material things, you can not fake your way through having common sense. The episode yesterday had a segment where one of the women was doing a Q&A session with a group of working mothers. This “Real Housewife” was writing a book about being a working mother. During the Q&A session, she handed out a list that she gives her nanny when the nanny is caring for her children. Some of the things on the list were ridiculous . Some of them were chores that had nothing to do with the children. The group of mothers were clearly confused as well. One woman asked the author if she (the mother) came home before the certain part of the list was done, for example, giving the children a bath, if that part wasn’t done yet, they asked if she took over there and finished the rest of the list herself. The things after that were bedtime stories and tucking the children into bed. The author simply stated, “No.” So this woman doesn’t even want to tuck her own children into bed each night. I felt sick. How could she not want those precious moments with her kids? How could she not feel guilty about willingly letting someone else be the last face her children see before they fall asleep at night while she is downstairs doing what? She is working on her book about being a working mother? Not buying that book! Sorry, not sorry!
Anyway, I can honestly say that I have enjoyed my time off with my kiddos. My mom was here for about four weeks. The rest of the time, I have been enjoying learning how to be a mother to two amazing boys. My floors are dirty. My hair isn’t done. I dance around the living room like a crazed fool with my two-year-old. I am babe #2’s own personal milk cow. I don’t have a normal sleep pattern and I have yet to find the time to start my new workout routine, but I have loved every moment of it.
Every. Single. Moment.
Tomorrow I will be a mess. I will cry. I will check in on my kids too many times. At the end of the work day, I won’t care about anything except getting my arms around them. They have my heart. They are the reasons behind everything I ever do. It’s funny when you realize that you no longer care about what you want or what you need. All of those things get trumped by them. Two tiny humans run my life and I am perfectly fine with that.
Wish me luck!

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