Words

Sometimes the things we need to hear are very simple. Or so they seem simple.
What we secretly beckon from the mouths of others will always remain a mystery. Weather it be praise from a boss, sweet nothings from our spouse, or words of encouragement from friends and family, the trouble is, it has to be their words. I like to remind myself of this truth often. The things you think would be easy to say, may very well be a challenge for some.
It will never be sincere if you have to persuade it from their lips. Inside you are dying for these words. We put the whole weight of our being on these words we would die to hear. We convince ourselves that we will die if we don’t hear them from a certain party’s lips. Or is it that we have made ourselves believe these words? We believe we are brave, beautiful, sincere, generous, loyal, a hard worker, a good person, dependable, ect. The list goes on and on in our sub-conscience. We waiver between the fog of who we believe we are and the haze of how others truthfully see us.
Why can we allow how others communicate make us doubt all the lists of things we believe we are? Is it because we don’t hear the words we want to hear come gargling up their throat? The kind, soothing reassurances don’t melt off their tongues. The sweet serenade does not pour from their lips. So, therefore, we doubt. We doubt our worth. We doubt our being. We doubt that dreaded picture we have painted in our minds of that person who we believe we are. All because of words. Not our words, but words from people who don’t have a clue that we need anything from them. Words that don’t belong to us. Words for which we have no claim.

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Other Plans

What does he dream in his sweet baby dreams? Is it his daddy? Does his slow, rhythmic breath mean he is happy? Does the meaning of time resonate in his mind? Can he feel how loved he truly is?
I told someone the other day that I feel like my pregnancy was such a long time ago. It’s true, what they tell you after you give birth…you do forget. You forget what it’s like to have another person growing inside of you. You forget all the sick, tired days. You forget the waddle and struggle of it all.
This morning, he woke in his crib and yelled out “Momma!” Just hearing that tiny voice makes me quiver. I went in to find a smiley, happy, boy. One day, I will drop him off at elementary school. I will take pictures at his prom. I will watch him leave for college. There will be conversations he will have to have with his dad. His grandpa will have to teach him how to fish and hunt. His dad will show him how to rope and ride. Although these are things I can not teach him, I hope some of what he learns comes from me. I pray he is a man of God. I hope he has an honest and true heart. I hope he has a strong work ethic and that he is a loyal and a good man one day.
When we found out that our baby was a boy, I felt a little afraid. I never had a brother. I was not close with any males my age growing up. I felt like I was stepping into a world of the unknown. I dreamed about having a little girl to dress, teach things to and share womanly things with when she was older. It never dawned on me that God might have other plans.
Here we are, 16 months later, and I can’t imagine life any other way. I’m still leery about what the path has ahead for me as a mother of a boy, but I feel blessed everyday that he is mine.
There is no doubt that he reminds me of his daddy. He might have my eyes and my skin tone, but he has his daddy’s smile and charm. And, just like his daddy, he has my whole heart!

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