I started to write an entry yesterday, but I guess my son had other plans. Every time I sat down, he screamed. The truth is that I am glad that I had to refrain yesterday. I looked back on what I wrote and I have to admit that I was being a “Negative Nancy”.
This month makes seven months since Ben has been living separate from us because of his job. I find that I spend way too much time feeling sorry for myself. I know plenty of other people who are forced to live separately. I have friends who have military husbands. I have friends who have pipeline husbands. Heck, even my own mother is living separate from her other half for work purposes. I guess my biggest pitfall these last few months has been when my son and I hang out with our friends here in Texas. It is strange to hang out with other married couples who have their spouse with them at all times. I guess you can say that I sometimes turn into a green-eyed monster. I am not happy to admit that, but it is the truth. Just to watch the little things that they all enjoy together as a family sometimes breaks my heart. But, that is enough with the pity party.
Back on planet positive, I have come to a conclusion. Lately, it has seemed that God is everywhere I look. The last few days I have walked into a room and there has been something about God on television. When I check Facebook, there are daily Bible verses or quotes of scripture in my newsfeed. I have also found that in many of the conversations I have been having lately, God has been mentioned. I even read a book last week where the main character was seeing God. Now, I am a little embarrassed to admit that I have never been a very religious person. I did attend church with my grandmother when I was young. I didn’t go often enough to truly understand the stories in Sunday school. I have never been baptized. One summer, I went to church camp with my sweet friend Danielle and it was a wonderful experience. In high school, I attended a few different churches. Since I moved to Texas, I have attended church with my husband’s uncles a few times. I have also ventured to the church down the road from my house and a few weeks ago, my friend Marcia and I attended a different church together. It may sound strange or it may even sound selfish to say that I want to belong to a church to help me with the overwhelming loneliness I feel without my husband here. But, I have decided that if I am having a hard time dealing with things and I want to turn to God for help, then that can’t be the worst decision I have ever made. I also want to find a place for us to attend church so that Cooper will have the opportunity to learn the things about God that I never did as a child. I feel that one day it will be his decision about what religion he wants to practice, but I want him to have those building blocks that I did not.
With all that being said, I am on a mission to find a church where we belong. I know that no matter where we end up, I have appreciated each and every step of this journey and I know that God will help me be a better mother, a stronger wife and a more compassionate human being.